Hey, it’s Mike . . .
Helena Boyle asks on my Facebook Wall
“Hi Michael, I have a question for you in
relation to an email you sent me. In the email, you said that men in general,
want to sleep with more than one women,
if not billions,as this is part of their
hardwiring,and this is why they find it
hard to commit to one and say goodbye to
My question is – why ? It cannot be
for sex, as they have that in a committed
relationship, cannot be companionship (cough!)
what is so different to a man, is it just
the pursuit and catching as many woman as
he can, the constant search for a perfection
no woman could/would measure up to in his
head. Do men then just settle down in a
relationship simply because they get
fed up looking and settle for the closest
to their perfection that’s in their head?”
First off, let’s give some background for your
question so everybody gets caught up.
The email you’re referring to talked about a concept
I call “The Death Of Possibility” and is one of the
reasons many men are so deathly afraid of commitment.
The short version is that deep in the back of their
lizard brains (and totally unconsciously) most guys
cling to the idea that they COULD sleep with
bajillions of women if things shook out just right
(They got rich. They got a six pack. They got a bigger
dick. Whatever. It’s not rational.)
Truly committing to a woman (and not just giving
commitment lip service) means “Killing” that possibility
and it’s really pretty devastating to a lot of guys to do
so. (Guys who have no ability to attract women find it
easier to commit because they’re just happy to have A woman.)
Now on to your question, which basically boils down
to “why do men want to have sex with a lot of women.”
Ask a guy that question and he’ll probably look at you
dumbly like you asked him why he wants to breathe.
But the short version is that guys just crave variety on
a deep and primal level.
And that craving for variety has very little to do with
how “hot” a guy’s wife is or even how much sex
he’s having at home. (Ouch.)
Now, there’s a lot of possible reasons for that (I’m not
going to fill up this email talking about evolutionary
biology or sperm competition theory, but it’s all there.)
One of my favorite examples of this comes from
David Deida. The story goes that at one of his conferences
David asked a room full of guys:
“Would you rather have a magazine with 40 smoking
hot pictures of the single most beautiful woman in the
world or would you rather have a magazine
with pictures of 40 different attractive (but not
as attractive) women.”
And every guy in the room chose the second magazine.
There just seems to be something intoxicating about
the new girl (or at least the idea of the new girl.)
So why do guys commit?
Well, because guys aren’t JUST animals.
And as humans we’ve got competing desires
that confuse the issue.
Yes, there’s part of any guy that wants to stay
single and free and go out and “conquer” as many
woman as he possibly can.
But there’s a whole other part of guys (especially
as we get into our 30’s and 40’s) that sincerely wants
companionship, stability, family and all the other
good things one great woman can provide.
I’ve said this before, but for most guys if they
could wave a magic wand and change the way
the world works, they’d want to have the awesome,
amazing wife at home and the ability to go out and
sleep with other women every once in a while.
(And while their wife is totally monogamous to them.)
It’s a stupid double standard and no woman should ever
agree to that kind of set up.
But again, we’re talking about the irrational mind.
This is what his primal irrational brain kind of
(Conversely, many women seem to want
a guy who’s 100% addicted to them and who’s
penis shrivels up like a snail if he even looks at another
woman. Which is also crazy irrational. Those guys
Anyway, this whole concept can feel a bit depressing
at first. But like I said, we’re humans, not animals.
I personally have a high sex drive and am as much a
“guy” as you’re going to meet.
But I don’t cheat on my girlfriend and I love being with her.
The key is to accept what’s going on in the back of our minds
and work with it to try to create the lives we want.
It’s important to point out here that this isn’t
just a guy thing. There are many women out there
with a similar craving for variety in their sex partners
but the question was about men so that’s what I answered.
Just to go double on record, I’m not saying
you should be the dutiful wife at home while
your guy goes out and cheats on you behind
your back. I’m just saying that’s his deeply
I talk about a LOT more that goes
on in men’s minds in the “Secret Survey“