He Doesn’t Want To Get Hurt…

Hey, it’s Mike Fiore …
Recently we talked about how to DUMP a guy the “right” way with the least amount of drama.
This week we’ve got the opposite problem. A guy who likes her but is afraid to date her because he doesn’t want to get hurt.

(I’d love your thoughts on this. Go to my Facebook Wall and let Leslie know what to do.)

He’s not over his ex – how can I convince him to let go?

“I just read Make Him Beg to Be Your Boyfriend, and I
didn’t really see anything in regards to a guy being heartbroken.
I’ve been ‘just friends’ with this guy since April.
We were going to go on a date before he found out he’d been
offered two jobs in Virginia. Circumstances (to him, fate to me)
made it so he wasn’t able to end up moving across the country.
So now we’re still sitting here ‘just friends’.
We’ve kissed, made out even, but only when he’s been drinking
and able to let his walls down. The last time that happened,
he also finally admitted to liking me.
His ‘problem’ is that he’s still not over his ex-wife.
Who he saved from an arranged marriage, got her U.S. citizenship,
was her first sexual partner and basically gave his whole heart to.
She ended up cheating on him and falling in love with her affair.
I don’t know what to do.”
  – Leslie

Hi Leslie…
Thanks for your question.
I do actually talk about this a little bit in “Make Him Beg To Be Your Boyfriend
What you’re dealing with here is a “Wounded Bear”…
A guy who is heartbroken, depressed and desperately afraid
of loving anybody else because he doesn’t want to get hurt again.
(Because yes, guys do in fact have emotions despite what some of
the women on my Facebook wall seem to think.)
I talk about this in The Secret Survey
as well as some of my other programs, but it’s important to
remember that “extreme” emotions are both harder for guys to
get into and harder for guys to get out of than they are for women.
That means guys don’t get “emotional” as often as women do, but
when we DO get sad, or mad or ecstatic or hurt, it tends to last
quite a bit longer.

Anyway, enough about him. Let’s talk about you.
Because you’re in an incredible danger zone right
now and you don’t even know it.
Because if you keep “being his friend” and nursemaiding
him back to emotional health, you’re going to get very, very hurt.
Right now, this guy is in a place of emotional devastation.
He’s licking his wounds, wondering what went wrong, and feeling sorry for himself.
And you’re sitting there with a smiling face and open arms
trying as hard as you can to drag him back up the hill to
being the man you want him to be.
Like I say in “Make Him Beg” and my other stuff, for a guy
to truly be happy in a relationship, he has to feel like he’s EARNED a woman.
Which means you can’t just put yourself on a silver platter for him.
And it means you can’t wait around for him to wake up to how wonderful you are.
(I’ve seen this kind of situation a LOT in the past, and
oftentimes when the guy DOES come out of his funk he looks
right past the woman who was there for him and starts dating
somebody else who he has less “history” with. Sucks, huh?)

So here’s your options:
1. If you can stand to just be his friend, be his friend.
But realize that being his friend is most likely going to
preclude you EVER having any kind of serious romantic
relationship – aside from the occasional make-out session after
he’s been drinking.

2. If you want MORE from this guy, you’ve got to walk away.
Stop being there for him. Start dating other guys.
Give him the bait to stand up and come after you and be
willing to walk away if he doesn’t do it.

Let’s do an extra question today…

Laura asks…
“What do you do if you feel like you’re never going
to get exactly what you want in a relationship or even close to it?

Would you rather settle for less (maybe much less) or just give up and have nothing?”
  – Laura

Hey Laura…

Ouch.
Feels like you’re in a horrible situation.

Here’s the deal…
1. No relationship is perfect and nobody has “exactly”
what they want in a relationship.
Human beings are messy and flawed and the best you can
really hope for is “close” to perfect.
2. That said, you have the right to pursue happiness, and
you have the right to get something “close to perfect” as opposed
to something you don’t want at all.
(It’s pretty interesting that the guys who wrote the constitution
guaranteed the right to pursue happiness, but not a right to
happiness itself. Smart guys.)
I take a lot of time in my programs telling men and women to
focus on the positives in their relationships and in their partners,
but that’s assuming the person you’re with is good for your in the first place.
It’s like ice cream.
Just because you’d love “Chocolate Caramel Mocha Fudge Brownie
Mint with a Hint Of Lemon” ice cream doesn’t mean you shouldn’t
“settle” for plain Chocolate.
But just because you’d settle for chocolate doesn’t mean you
should keep eating chocolate chip cookies.

Ok, that’s a really strained metaphor, but the point is:
It doesn’t sound like the guy you’re with is even in the
same universe as what you really want. You’re hurting both
you and him by sticking around and if you don’t make a change
you’re going to fill your heart with bitterness and regret.
Move on.

P.S. Does He Really Love You?
Click here to find out

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