Got a question about turning the romance up a notch in your relationship?
While I can’t answer every question personally, every month I’ll post the best questions and answers up on the site!
(Skip to the answers)
Sex on the first date?
YellowRoses asks . . .
“I am a divorced 41 year old woman. I’ve been out on several “first” dates, but can’t seem to get to the “second” date. I am a very outgoing person & can strike up a conversation with anyone. For example, one date asked me if I knew our waitress just because I carried on a brief conversation with her. I was taught that you treat people the way you want to be treated and many times wait staff is the first in the line of negative responses, so I try to be at least one customer that is the opposite. I am a very good listener and tend to ask questions about the man I’m with. I don’t talk about past relationships, although every guy I’ve had a first date with has talked about theirs. If I drink during dinner, I only have 1-2 drinks. I also have one cardinal rule that I never break, no sex on a first date. I have lost out on many a second date because of that commitment to myself and my self respect. Can you offer any first date tips that may help me get past the first date?”
OK, here’s a rule:
Any guy who won’t go out with you a second time because you wouldn’t have sex with him on the first date isn’t a guy you want to date in the first place.
As a guy I can tell you, we actually LIKE IT when a woman sets her boundaries (assuming she’s an interesting woman in the first place.)
That said, it looks from your email that you’ve got a lot of “rules” in general. Rules about how many drinks to have. Rules about how to treat the wait staff.
So here’s my advice: Relax.
And instead of worrying about whether you’re going to get a second date out of a guy, focus on whether the guy you’re with is even WORTH a second date in the first place.
Confidence is sexy. You sound like a hell of a catch. If you project that on your first date you’ll have guys lining up around the block.
How do I get him to pursue me?
Joni asks . . .
“Was pursued relentlessly, by someone..Then I made all the typical mistakes with texting. Been one year now. Slowed down pretty much but still hanging on. I text first and he replies almost always. We exchange sexy, suggestive dialogue, photos, etc back and forth, but it doesn’t seem to ever materialize. Talk on the phone. Same Dialogue. Since reading your ebook, things have changed for the better. I am doing it right based on his response.
How do i ever get him back to the place we started, (him pursuing me like crazy) and have HIM make things happen again? Is it even possible? And how to do that without being able to see him? If i text him right now he will answer-but he won’t text first. Is it obvious he just isn’t that into me and i am foolishly wishing he were? give me the hard truth! i’m waiting!
and thank you by the way…”
I don’t know what the “typical texting mistake” was, but it’s obvious some of the bloom has come off the rose for him.
As I say in “Text The Romance Back,” guys need to feel like the pursuer. We like to hunt. We like to conquer.
But we’re also totally happy to “play around” if a woman is the one taking the lead. It’s fun for us, but it doesn’t lead to that same white hot, burning desire that we get when we’re on the hunt.
So what do you do?
Tease the hell out of him . . .
Send him an initial curiosity text, wait for his response . . .
Then make him wait a WHILE before you text him back again. Make sure you leave the thought incomplete.
And set him up to be the one to take charge . . .
“What would you do if you were here right now?”
If he doesn’t respond or ever take change, it means he’s just not that into you.
At that point you can either cut bait, or you can try to make him horribly jealous =-)
Two faced phone
Bob says . . .
I’ve been using google voice as a free “romance line” to text my wife. They give you a free phone number to use and texting is free.
Then I can still use my regular number to say “What do you need from the supermarket?” or whatever.
Great idea, Bob. Love it.
How do I get him to spend more time with me?
Michaelle Asks . . .
“I just downloaded the “3 Magic Texts” and thought I would send my biggest challenge…
Getting my husband to spend quality time with me and our children.
Thank you for the information…after the first text, I don’t think a second passed before my husband responded! ”
Glad you’re having such luck with the 3 Magic texts. Have you tried the material in the main Text The Romance Back manual? It’s much juicier.
On to your question:
Men are like dogs, we like to be rewarded for good behavior.
I don’t know what your husband is spending all his time doing, but you need to make sure you give him positive reinforcement every time he does something you actually like. And set up “reward” systems to thank him for cutting time out of his busy schedule.
So tell him that if he spends a few hours watching a movie with you and the kids, he’ll get (WHATEVER HE REALLY LIKES) in return.
It’s base and manipulative, but it works.
How do I keep from losing him?
Catherine Asks . . .
I recently have met a wonderful guy through an online well known dating site. We have been matched perfectly and literally have fallen deeply for each other in a matter of weeks. We have both been divorced, are both 48 and have so many similarities it is simply uncanny. He lives about an hour and 15 minutes away. We are now having what could be coined a “long distance relationship”. Besides lots of emails and texts, cards, words of encouragement, what do you suggest to keep the anxiety of losing someone at bay as we cannot see each other all the time because or work, children, etc.???? We have made long term plans for concert venues and having our friends meet each other which is a good sign.
Anything else we could do?
Congrats on meeting such a great guy. It sounds like the two of you are having a great time together.
Now here’s my advice in a nutshell:
Then breathe again.
Here’s the flat out and honest truth: Eventually, you are going to lose this man.
Either you’re going to break up at some point or one of you is going to pass away before the other one does.
Plain and simple ALL relationships end.
I totally understand that the anxiety of losing him (after you’ve been searching for so long) can be difficult, but best thing to do is take a deep breathe, be thankful for what you have right now and try to live in the moment.
If he’s making long term plans with you, it means he’s truly interested. Enjoy it while you can. Live in the now.
Is he just waiting for something better?
Lizzy Asks . . .
I have known this man for a few yrs. He has had a few bad relationships and he has told me he wants this to work between us but were taking it slow.. so for the past 5 months we only kissed and really never been alone. We do live a couple hrs away from each other but talk for hrs aday and have movie night over the phone… My question is… Is he really into me or is he just waiting for something better to come around… maybe you can tell me how to really ask this question?
A guy waiting 5 months to do anything beyond kissing is an eternity.
So I figure there’s two options for what’s going on . . .
Option 1: He’s “gun shy” from bad relationships and is scared of putting himself out there and getting hurt.
Option 2: He’s just not that into you physically, but doesn’t know how to tell you.
Now, the fact that you’re spending hours on the phone together is a good sign. It means he likes you, likes talking to you and all that.
But you need to push him to a decision point on the physicality thing. Personally, I’d recommend you wait until the next time you see him and flat out tell him that you like him, desire him and want something physical.
Do your darndest to actually seduce him. If he responds, great (though it’s weird that he’s so reluctant) but at the least you’ll force him to come out with what’s going on in his head.
No matter what, you need to get out of Limbo.
Your Valentine’s Day Questions Answered
Last week I sent a message to my email subscribers asking for their biggest questions about how to make Valentine’s day as romantic, special and sexy with their partners as possible . . .
I got about 150 questions dumped on me all at once . . . here’s answers to the most common (and a few of the “best” ones) for your reading pleasure:
“What’s the best way to ask a girl you have just been dating for a Valentine’s date?
If I don’t it will seem I don’t care and if I do does it show I care too much?”
Read the Answer…
Deployed Abroad and Drifting Apart
This question comes from Wlad, who asks:
“At this time I am deployed and I would like to keep my marriage alive while I am gone. Can you please give some suggestions on how to do it?”
Read the Answer…
Refining Your “Sensual Vocabulary”
“What are the best romance language words for texting to a woman?”
Read the Answer…
Repairing and Reconnecting
My wife of 27 years moved in with my son two weeks ago. She is now visiting her father for a week, but is 1500 miles away. There’s hardly any communication between us now. What can I text her to get her attention and let her know that I am sorry and that I am still attracted to her? Something to get her really missing me…”
Read the Answer…